1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
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90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
*watches the world burn*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day