Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.