there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like