I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
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My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Thrilling chase underway
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.