him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
So glad we cleared that up
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.