I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.