stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
You Might Also Like
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!