me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
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no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.