The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Kentucky names the shit out of places
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.