I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.