70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Natural selection at its finest
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”