Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Jesus Christ lmao
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.