Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in