I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.