Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The best plant holders?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place