her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
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her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Finally, a door that understands me
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On