SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”