This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Still cracks me up
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Room with a view.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.