Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Go girl power!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit