Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
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If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
😂🤣😂🤣
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?