Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
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ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.