My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
We are the people our parents warned us about.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
A short story about romance.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
The symmetry is uncanny.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town