Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.