I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
These 3D printers are insane!
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen