The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic