Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
thanks auntie mary
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?