Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Love this one 😂🧟
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Not😆🤣
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.