[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
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CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…