*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.