scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?