Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
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Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
wtf is an acronym
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.