Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
(Jupiter –
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.