*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
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[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Mad Max: Furry Road
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911