I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You Might Also Like
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”