I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
You Might Also Like
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
That’s not how days work.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.