At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
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[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Noah was an idiot.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney