[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
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Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Every damn time
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery