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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook