They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
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[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
this article brought to you by lions
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Need this in my life lol
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.