Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
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*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.