I’m choking laughing omfg 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
If I don鈥檛 win Mega Millions tonight, I鈥檓 going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I鈥檒l show someone up in a dance battle, so it鈥檚 not saying much.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Just weighed myself. I鈥檇 strongly advise against y鈥檃ll doing that.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude鈥檚 a loser with a crappy bomb who鈥檚 crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Sorry I鈥檓 late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess