surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
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Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
? 💀
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
pls suprot
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf