Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
peeping toms
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.