Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
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GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.