20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.