Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020