I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.