A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals