Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again