can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.